Twitter: @AndreaGompf

Disclaimer: every time reports of a weird, unidentified animal surface I immediately assume it’s the Chupacabras and take to conspiracy message boards to discuss the indisputable anatomical evidence because COME ON IT’S OUT THERE. But this time, I really think I’m on to something. Gawker is reporting on an ambiguous varmint-looking creature that has washed up on the shore of the East River, horrifying locals and also everyone with functional eyes. The NYC Parks Department apparently claims it is a “pig carcass,” but the day you show me a pig with five toes on each foot is the day pigs fly. Get it? See what I did there?

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Anyway, there is only one logical conclusion to draw from all of this: VIENE EL CHUPACABRAS THE MAYANS WERE RIGHT ABOUT 2012 IT’S THE CHUPAPOCALYPSE SAVE YOURSELVES.

These are just the facts. Do with them what you will. We suggest familiarizing yourself with the Chupacabras attack tactics by playing the Chupacabra iPhone game. And if you can’t play the game because you have a Droid, well then, you brought this on yourself.