Yesterday, we learned that the latest film in the Paranormal Activity franchise is being touted as “Latino-themed” just because there aren’t really any gringos in the cast. Which made us think: what if Hollywood made some horror films that were actually Latino-themed – ones about the legends our parents used to terrify us with when we were kids? You know the ones. El Cucuy was under your bed. Los Duendes were in your closet waiting to torment you, and if you disrespected your mom, she just might pull a Llorona on you.

While we wait for the Chupacabras to turn into a Saw-type horror franchise – WE CAN DREAM – here are the A-List actors we’d cast to play our favorite ghosts and ghouls.

page-dividers-vectorSalma Hayek as La Llorona


Qualifications: Breathtaking Beauty, Emotional Vulnerability, Strong Swimmer, Cries a lot.


Javier Bardem as El Cucuy


Qualifications: Deep Voice, Terrifying Presence, Ability to Walk Slowly Yet Be Anywhere Before You Are


Danny Trejo as El Chupacabras


Qualifications: Savage Demeanor, Ghastly Face, Thirst for Blood, Potential for Bloating


Chuy as Los Duendes


Qualifications: Chiquito, Mischievous, Childlike, Sassy


Sofia Vergara as La Ciguapa


Qualifications: Long Beautiful Hair, Loud Whiny Voice, Likes Being Basically Naked, Ability to Seduce then Kill