Mexican Vampire Lady
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The Top 5 Most Horrifying Hispanics

Halloween is the one night a year when it’s socially sanctioned to horrify people with the scariest/creepiest/grossest/goriest costumes you can come up with. There are, however, those for whom Halloween is just one of a 365 day streak of being terrifying. Here at Remezcla, we want to celebrate the hideous, fearsome Latinos whose faces haunt our dreams, and recognize them for the creepy creeps they are. Let your freak flags fly mijos. Without further ado, we give you the Top 5 Most Hideous and Terrifying Latinos (with one Spaniard tossed in):

1. The Mexican Vampire Woman

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Maria Jose Cristerna is a Mexican tattoo artist who decided to reinvent herself from lawyer to “vampire woman” after surviving domestic abuse. I’m not sure what is more cray: the reports that she had those horns/weird head bulges implanted without any anesthesia, or the fact that SHE HAS FOUR CHILDREN. Four children whom she picks up from school looking like un demonio del infierno. I know you’re not supposed to judge a book by it’s cover, and she is probably a totally capable mother – but it’s hard to imagine them sitting around at the dinner table like normals. On the other hand, there’s probably no better way to avoid bullying at school than to have a mother who looks like she could rip your face off Florida-cannibal style.

2. Danny Trejo

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Danny Trejo is kind of the ultimate method actor. Before embarking on a 28-year career depicting villains and generally terrifying individuals on the big screen, he made a career out of robbing convenience stores, doing drugs, and being a generally terrifying individual –  which eventually landed him in prison for 11 years. After kicking his substance abuse issues, he found his way to Hollywood and has since appeared in nearly 200 films, including Machete, which he is perhaps best known for. With a face like that, we don’t think his bad guy roles will run out any time soon. We defy you to find a single picture of him on the internet in which he does not look alarming.

3. Irma Serrano

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Literally the first thing that enters my mind when every time I gaze upon Irma Serrano’s face is “AHHH EVIL EYEBROWS WHY ARE THOSE BROWS SO EVIL AHHHH.” Seriously though, someone needs to show Irma the google image results for “evil eyebrows” so that she can reconsider the situation she’s got going on north of her nose. Unless she is purposefully aiming for the whole Scar from the Lion King thing, which would semi-explain the “La Tigresa” nickname. This Mexican dame started off as a film actress in the 60s; then, with over 100 films under her belt she decided to transition to politics, becoming senator of her home state of Chiapas. The only thing scarier than Irma Serrano as senator is Todd Akin as senator – thankfully, her political career was brief. Not sure you want the kind of woman who wrongfully evicts tenants by making death threats and brandishing a gun as your state representative…

4. Javier Bardem in “No Country For Old Men”

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Javier Bardem’s portrayal of Anton Chigurh, the hit man in at the center of the 2007 film No Country For Old Men produced one of the most terrifying and memorable film villains of the last decade. From his bone-chilling line delivery, to the gruesome way he kills his victims using a pressurized cattle gun, to the casual way he sidesteps a pool of blood he’s created on a hotel-room floor, it’s impossible to watch Bardem on the screen and not be both thoroughly creeped out and fascinated. And then there’s the haircut. I didn’t really realize a hairstyle could be frightening until I saw this movie. If a man tried to approach me while rocking this look I’d literally assume he was a serial killer with no regard for human life and and run for the hills. Incidentally, does anyone else think this haircut is kind of reminiscent of the ‘do Hernán Cortés sported? Just saying. It’s clearly evil.

5. Lyn May

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Last up on our list is Mexican actress, exotic dancer and acrobat Lyn May. This picture is sobering, guys. Everything about this picture is cause for concern – the wig, the insane plastic surgery, the “sexy senior” vibe…I can’t. Mexico is really churning out the weirdos. According to her Wikipedia page, Lyn became an exotic dancer “with an unusual act that consisted of her singing on a pedestal, then holding her right leg straight up tight to her body and pivoting around the pedestal on the other foot, never losing her balance.” Exotic indeed. After that she starred in a few Mexploitation “cine de ficheras” films and then pretty much stopped doing anything other than kicking it in the world of la farándula and teaching people how to do strip teases and other age appropriate activities. SPOOKY.