UPDATE 2/15: “The Spanish Teacher” is now available for free on Hulu. Now you can experience it with me.
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Ricky Martin was on Glee last night. I don’t watch Glee, but it seemed relevant. Since the whole point of celebrity guest stars is bringing in new viewers, I thought I’d give it a shot. Here are my reactions as I watched the whole 44:15 episode, “The Spanish Teacher,” on the Hulu Plus account I jacked from my friend. Apparently Ricky Martin plays The Spanish Teacher. Well all right, then.
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00:00
Before we even start, is it just me or are Latinos, like, becoming a “thing” again in the mainstream media? It’s like 1999 again. Is this another Latin explosion or just the Latin fallout? Either way, take shelter and stock up on canned food. (Goya, of course.)
00:03
My first thought here was, “Oh, Jesus, this is going to be a long trip, isn’t it?” But then I was impressed – all the students had the same reaction plastered on their faces. So good, this is an episode about being out of touch and about needing to know more about Latin culture than this teacher seems to know. Awesome. The Principal tells him: “You’re a Spanish teacher. Maybe you should try learning Spanish.” I think I may like this Glee.
01:50
“You can call me David.”
God, this man is pretty.
So the teacher guy is going to take Spanish night classes from Mr. David Martinez – played by Ricky Martin and his bon bon – presumably to learn to teach his own class. How did teacher guy get hired as a Spanish teacher, again? Ricky gets a pretty good monologue in, too: “I know we’re all here for different reasons: some of you need your GED, some of you want to go to Cabo San Lucas and order like a local, but did you know that the US Census believes that by 2030, the majority of Americans will use Spanish as their first language? You’re not here learning a language. You’re here ’cause you’re smart, forward thinkers.” Etcetera, etcetera. I like the angle this episode is taking much more than I thought I would.
03:25
“No entiendo. Tu eres maestro de español pero estás tomando una clase de español?” EXACTLY!
“For the last six years, I was a tooth model. It’s like a hand model, but with your teeth.” Of course you were, Ricky.
06:00
Soliciting high school students to donate sperm is kind of creepy in a “You’re definitely not getting tenure and are actually fired” kind of way. That has nothing to do with Ricky Martin, but, well, I’m watching this whole show, aren’t I? “…keeping a box of my championship ova” is funny, though.
07:50
Is that the chick from Real Housewives of Atlanta?
09:10
I knew there was a Latina on Glee in the person of Naya Rivera. For some reason, I just never appreciated that Naya Rivera was so hot.
10:20
I like that Glee takes on the stereotype of Latin “passion and spirit” by having Ricky correct Mr. Teacher Guy’s fetishization. But apparently he just corrects it by…confirming it? “Duende” isn’t a mystical Hispanic concept, we just have a word to describe it. But then, other languages do, too.
Being Latin is about being sexy. And you know it. Latinos are magical sex machines. Thanks, Glee. You were doing so well up until now.
On a side note, between Madonna, Ricky Martin, and The Roots during their Black Simon & Garfunkel bit on Jimmy Fallon, shouldn’t LMFAO be pretty stunned that they’re so popular? Maybe they’re geniuses and we just don’t know it yet. Ricky’s cover’s pretty good, as Glee covers go. He uses Puerto Rican slang (“el cangri”) when his character is supposedly Chilean, but I don’t really care.
20:00
Is this glee club/musical theater programming ever actually working towards anything? There’s a lot of sitting around and jamming but there doesn’t ever seem to be rehearsal or, like, show tunes. Also, this is a pretty good Spanish cover of Don’t Want to Lose You.
21:15
Bomboleo? Fine, Glee, have it your way. Just because you’re singing a song in Spanish doesn’t mean you need to do it in bolo ties, though. Points for the awesome extra pointy Mexican hipster boots, though. Mad points. Also, interesting transition into Hero…how is Mr. Teacher-Guy not fired?
28:50
The revelation that gym teacher Jane Lynch lady doesn’t need Mr. Teacher-Guy’s sperm to conceive anymore prompts him to ask, “Quien es más macho de Will Schuster?” I guess Will Schuster is Mr. Teacher-Guy’s name. Als0, it was translated like this in the subtitles.
Okay, Glee, you’re back in my good graces.
30:50
Leaving aside that the translated lyrics aren’t great, Ricky out Madonna’s Madonna, here, in what must be some kind of gay apotheosis. Also, this school’s auditorium has a laser system?
Are we supposed to see Santana as a villain for wanting her Spanish teacher to be authentic? Fire Mr. Teacher-Guy-Schuster. Ahora mismo.
33:50
No, but really: Fire him.
35:00
Santana kicks ass. “Why don’t you just dress up like the Taco Bell chihuaha and bark the theme song to Dora the Explorer? You don’t know enough to be embarrassed about these stereotypes that you’re perpetuating.”
36:10
No. Don’t redeem him. Fire him. Dammit, Glee.
38:45
They’re offering Ricky a position. Take it! Okay, Glee, you’re getting it right again….oh God, is this going to be permanent?
44:15
Crap. I’m going to watch again next week, aren’t I?