If you’ve stepped outside in any major city recently, you’ve probably peeped that fanny packs are fly again, but not in the way you might remember. You won’t see them sported on the waist like your local street vendor (shout outs to them by the way), instead they’re donned across the chest in some sort of hypebeast gladiator fashion, sometimes referred to as a “side bag.” Like the Marcel Duchamp of rap Playboi Carti once said, “In New York I milly rock, hide it in my sock.” While we’ve been making the most out of hiding our biz in our socks, we’re long overdue for a more creative solution. We might not have flying cars and personal androids in 2018, but at least we are here to witness the evolution of the chancla as we know it with this rework of top 5 house outfit staple: the Nike Benassi Slide. Whichever genius at Nike decided to swap the foam midsole out for tiny fanny packs, bless you and your whole extended family. With no release date announced just yet for the Benassi “Fanny Pack” Slide, or as I like to call ‘em: fannclas (fanny pack + chanclas), I decided to get ahead of the game and plot on six effective uses of the fannclas.
Leaving the House Essentials
If you find yourself poolside or at a beachy summer function, keep your necessary belongings, such as ID, credit card, cash, and keys securely on you at all time with these fannclas. Not only will you set yourself apart from the overplayed across-the-chest “side bag” yuppies, but you get to stunt on all your local gentrifiers Birkenstock rockers, too. Just be sure to make something up when they ask you where you copped.
Look, when these fanny pack-chanclas were announced, this was definitely the first thought on everybody’s mind. All I’m saying is you’re never too grown to stash your herb in your socks, but if you want to hide your weed in style, this is definitely the way to go. Keep the pack on the right and the lighter and your preferred smoking device on the left.
While we’re on the subject of recreational drug use, I’m not going to make assumptions about your line of work if you keep a flip phone on you, but these fanny chanclas are a cool, discreet place to stash your burner phone. But if your gonna front like your trap phone is just calling your tías, keep some phone cards in the left chancla.
Chips 'n' Salsa
Sometimes you’re in need of a quick, convenient snack, so look out for your future self with a handful (footful?) of chips. We recommend freshly made or store bought — y’all still eating Tostitos? in this economy?) – in the left chancla, and your favorite brand of salsa (Valentina gang gang, we out here) in the right. You should probably get it in packets, but if you got the industrial-sized restaurant size bottle go right ahead and pour it up. We won’t judge.
For all my beauty-inclined peoples who like to keep their face beat and stay poppin, whenever and wherever— you can keep your beauty tings (eyeliner, lipstick, mascara, whatever a tu gusto) conveniently on you too.
In 2008, Lil Wayne declared “Safe sex is great sex, better wear a latex / ‘Cause you don’t want that late text, that ‘I think I’m late’ text.” In 2018 Bad Bunny tweeted “USA CONDONES!! O VENTE AFUERAA!!!!!”
USA CONDONES!! O VENTE AFUERAA!!!!! CON TANTO PORNO QUE VEN!!! CUANDO HAN VISTO QUE EN EL PORNO SE LA HECHEN ADENTRO??? SIEMPRE ES EN LA CARAAA! EN LA CARAAAAAA CABROON!!!!! AMIGA!! PIDELA EN LA CARAAA PERO NO ADENTRO!!! NO ES HORA DE TENER HIJOS!!!!
— BUNNY POWERS (@badbunnyPR) May 22, 2018
How can you deny the influence of these two co-signs? But forreal- wrap it up. You don’t have an excuse anymore if you can store condoms in your chanclas now.