We always have massive plans for Halloween, with intricate costume sketches and fool-proof ideas getting started early in the year. But you know how it goes, its October 28th and you’re in your pajamas about to bite into your fifth empanada when it hits you–you never made your bedazzled chrome custom fit Daft Punk mask!! So before you head to Duane Reade to scour the lonely, crest fallen angel wings, take a look below at our DIY costumes. These get-ups are sure to be conversation starters and might even get you laid! Triki-Triki cabrones!
MACHETE
Danny Trejo consistently comes up on our radar as one of the more horrifying human beings on Earth, so it’s not a far fetched idea to use him as Halloween inspiration. Plus, we gotta rep him now that Machete Kills is out! For the look, you must look like a deranged, tattooed, biker lost in the desert, so we recommend a leather vest, fake tattoos covering your arms, pomade for the greasy hair look, and a helpful friend to rub you up with dirt (the more, the better.) Finish it off with a gnarly thick mustache and as many machetes as you can hang on your body.
A DEVIOUS MAID
In our opinion going as “sexy ______.” (i.e. Sexy Bunny, Sexy Cat, Sexy Border Patrol) is kind of the lamest Halloween costume move. Unless, of course, you take the ironic approach, in which case it may be acceptable. Our suggestion? Why not roll the “sexy” thing up with another offensive stereotype, and turn that “french maid” into a Devious Maid? Most important for this costume is a little black dress, strappy black heels, red lipstick, and the tiniest white apron you can find (splattered with blood for an extra devious touch). Announce your costume to anyone who asks with dry Aubrey Plaza sarcasm – and don’t forget to bring along some Windex to spray in the faces of anyone who looks at you the wrong way, because that’s what “fiery” Latinas do, duh.
FAT JOE IN FEDERAL PRISON
Fat Joe is in federal prison until December for tax evasion, so this Halloween you can pay tribute to our favorite Bronx rapper in the color most commonly associated with the pumpkin-filled holiday: head-to-toe ORANGE. Accessorize your jumpsuit with some nice ice, smuggled cigars, a journal to write those comeback rhymes and a calculator–cause maybe he should use his time to learn how to do his own damn taxes!
CATRINA CALAVERA
The “Day of the Dead” costume has been made famous by white girls everywhere, but that’s not stopping us from featuring the beautiful traditional custom that will be perfect for your Dia de los Muertos party this year. As the base, you need either a long lace dress, or maxi skirt with a lacy top and gloves. The more lace the better. You can buy an already made floral headband to cover the entire crown of your head and get dramatic with it. Cover your face with white base and make the skull face as crazy/creepy/sexy/goth as you want (and it can go many ways). Add some black and gold jewelry, walk around with a somber look on your face and dassit!
HUGO CHAVEZ
All you’ll need to become Hugo Chavez (RIP) is some military gear, a red beret and a fist of power. Tote around a copy of Marx’s The Communist Manifesto and you’ll be getting ladies before you can say ‘¡Que viva la revolución!’
GUSTAVO FRING
We’re kind of obsessed with Breaking Bad around here but we think Chilean-born Gustavo Fring, owner of Los Pollos Hermanos, will set you apart from the rest of Walter Whites and Jesse Pinkmans out there. You’ll need a collared yellow shirt, khaki pants, black tie, and wire framed glasses. To bring Gustavo to the next level, you’re going to need a bucket of fried chicken, lots of it. The best thing about this is that you’ll already be prepared for when your drunken munchies roll around.
CANELO
You may have witnessed Golden boy Saúl ‘Canelo’ Alvarez’ only loss of his career against beast Floyd Maywether but you haven’t seen the last of him by any means. Grab some red hair spray, a pair of old gym shorts, hang boxing gloves around your neck and use a white towel to wipe the sweat off your Vaselined brow.
LA CHILINDRINA
Throwback! If you can go back to the days Saturday mornings TV and a cup of Milo, La Chilindrina was part of ‘El Chavo del Ocho’ cast. Besides the high-pitched voice and over-the-top demeanor you need to keep going for the whole night, a pair of Mary Janes, white socks, red cardigan and signature drawn on freckles should do the trick. Now that we think of it, one might say La Chilindrina is the style inspiration of half the girls we see in Williamsburg…
EL CHAPULIN COLORADO
One of the most recognizable characters from Mexican television, El Chapulin Colorado was always fighting for the good guys. Throw some yellow shorts over red tights, find yourself a mallet and say things like ‘Mis antenitas de vinyl están detectando la presencia del enemigo’.
FOX NEWS’ “CHILDREN OF THE CORN”
Perhaps you caught the recent Fox News segment which inexplicably described undocumented youth as ‘children of the corn’ (accompanied by a graphic of someone climbing a barbed wire fence and money). Needless to say, this left us …perplexed. Since the news anchor never really delved into this random analogy, we can only speculate what it is about undocumented youths that recalls Stephen King’s supernatural horror novel about cult farm kids who believe everyone over 18 must be killed. Unless the moniker stemmed from the staple ingredient in Mexico’s famed tortillas? WHO KNOWS, FOX NEWS U TALKING ALL CRAY. Anyway, there’s nothing spookier to a xenophobe than Latino youths coming to steal up all their jobs and entitlement benefits so why not take advantage of the Halloween spirit and scare the shit out of them. Grab your big brimmed hat, some freaky-deaky white contacts, a rake and some corn tortialls because fuck Fox News.