It’s definitely shaping out to be a cruel, cruel New York summer already, and it’s still Spring! But before you start bitching and complaining, remember that awful winter we had…does Snowpocalypse 2010 ring a bell? Remember the piles of snow that kept mounting and mounting and formed into a black wall of gloom? Yeah, that winter was pretty traumatizing, so think of those sad days of freezing cold weather when you’re about to do something nasty because it’s so damn hot outside. Right about when temperatures borderline between the mid ’80s and ’90s that’s when folks start behaving like savages. As if it’s okay to act like a fool because you’re sweaty and sticky. We think not! If you follow our nifty list of Don’ts below you’ll be doing yourself and your fellow city dwellers a tremendous favor. Please we’re begging, pay attention!
1. Please Don’t Play Reggaeton From Your Parked Car At 7 a.m. on Saturday (Or Bachata, Or Any Music For That Matter)
We know it gets hot early in the mornings, which has people out and about but that doesn’t mean we want to wake up to your music (some of us like to sleep in on the weekends), and the barbeque session you got going on next to your vehicle doesn’t help matters either––unless you’re offering us a taco or something.
2. Please Don’t Walk Outside Looking Like Hooch Or A Half-Clothed Pocho
There are good weirdos and there are, well, loonies–the kind you see walking around in the summer wearing an X-Small when the an XXL is the right fit. We’re not asking that you wear jeans and a turtleneck (we do have a heart), we just ask that you keep the necessary areas appropriately covered. We don’t want to see any nipples peaking through netted tank tops. And we don’t care to see your ass crack hanging out of your shorts. All of this applies to men and women.
3. Please Don’t Use The 6 Train (Or the 7, Or Any Train Going Into And Out of Manhattan) As Your Personal Air-Conditioned Bathroom
The walk to the subway from your place can build a lot of sweat under your arms, back and neck but that isn’t an excuse to take off your shoes on the train, let alone use this commuting time to get dressed. We’re talking all you bankers out there (even the sales associates who don’t have the luxury of wearing jeans to work). We’ve heard stories of business dudes actually putting on their pants, shirts, and ties on the train. Of course you don’t want your bosses or clients to see you all sweaty, but come on. At least have the decency to modify your appearance in the Starbucks bathroom.
4. Please Before You Go Out For A Night Of Dancing at Que Bajo (Where You’re Going To Be Sweating Ball) Take A Shower, Or Use Soap, Or Wear Deodorant. Something. Anything!
It’s muggy out, humid, there’s no breeze whatsoever, which means that rank smell you’re oozing is following you everywhere you go, and around everyone you encounter. If you can’t afford soap, deodorant, or a shower, go to Macy’s, get sprayed with one of their countless perfumes. Perhaps you can’t smell your own B.O., but we can. A musty smell isn’t sexy.
5. Please Don’t Walk Around Naked At Home (Unless You Look Like Diego Luna, Or Are Related To Salma Hayek)
This one relates to number 2, and also applies to whatever your standard of “casual Fridays” is (or as some people say “no underwear Tuesdays”). We’re pretty sure that you either a) live with roommates b) probably live in a building with windows that face the street or other apartments or c) only have thermals for pj’s therefore leaving you without sleepwear. Walking around naked in the privacy of your own home is anyone’s prerogative, but when you don’t have any privacy like us New Yorkers, that means your nakedness is everyone’s business. Perhaps standing naked in front of an open fridge is cooling you off, but it’s completely grossing us out.
In our parting words: People, we know it’s hot, we know you don’t want to pay gazillions on your electricity bill, but please, please we urge you not to become one of those tacky, uncivilized people that might be confused for a stray dog. Think cool thoughts, yeah that should work.