*Boo Hoo Hoo!* Qué día más triste my Washington Heights peeps! I know you were all watching last night’s season finale with a big box of Kleenex – leaving each tissue full of mocos – don’t even lie, you know you all were. But (and it’s a BIG butt) before we get into the excessively sentimental portion of last night’s show, let’s get it on with the schvitz and giggles, shall we?
For episode 11, rather than seeing our normal footage of perico ripiao, we had a ton of culito ripiao instead. And to be honest, I felt like I was watching a Latin version of Pee-Wee’s Playhouse and the special word of the night was “CULO.” (which translates to tushy for you non-Spanish speakers) After hearing a number of culos, I was just waiting to hear “esta tan linda, esta tan rica, tiene tremendo… CULO!” Pitbull’s smash hit, which coincidentally put him on the map – just a little “Trivial Pursuit” for you lovely readers playing the home game. 😉
DO YOU THINK I’M A NASTY GIRL?
Frankie, finally turning the big TWO ONE, decides to celebrate just like that played out song suggests – she goes to da club and parties like It’s her birthday. Fast forward to Frankie and Ludwin playing tonsil hockey – even making out under an overpass – seriously conjuring up some severe “Purple Rain” vibes. Apollonia would be proud, girl!
Post party, Frankie reveals to her gal pals that Ludwin is a bit of a freak in bed. Now, maybe I didn’t hear correctly, but I believe Ludwin indulges (dare I say) in the art of “romancing the derrière.” Now, I don’t know if she meant penetration or tuchus lingus (let’s not front, some of you out there like the taste of Oreos) but it just made me want to pump up the volume on “DOO DOO BROWN!” By the way, big shout out to the 2 LIVE CREW – always and fo’ evah!
Reyna, wanting to become more independent (possibly hinting to MTV that she now wants a spinoff) decides to live on her own (without the boyfriend) and in doing so, spearheads into the workforce. Now, rent and amenities don’t come cheap, so you would think she would go for a 9-to-5 cushy office job, right? Nope! Homegirl aims to become a bartender instead. Now, don’t get me wrong, I know a lot people who make a ton of money bartending – but mama, there needs to be more in your memory bank than just the corner store liquor bottles – ESPECIALLY if you’re aiming to work Downtown! When your interviewer asks: what kind of alcoholic beverages do you like most? and you answer: “Culitos” (aka skippy behind) don’t expect a follow-up, mama. I’m just saying.
PS: What does “I’m a fast learner. I catch up quick” mean? You ketchup? with a burger and fries? Girl, a word the wise, get an advisor to prep you for the next interview ’cause as of now Billy Joel would NOT be impressed.
WELCOME BACK RICO AKA BARBARINO
I have to give it up to my boy Rico – boy booked his first acting job. For this episode, we see him read a few lines in that sexy monotone voice (and yes, I said monotone) – making me long for the days of Marky-Mark and wanting him to just drop trou already. A true “up your nose with a BIG rubber hose” type deal. WINK!
Audubon is still booking gigs (thank you Jebus) and has a mixtape release party at Uptown’s swanky hotspot “Negro Claro” – shout out to the Ganesh room! HAY!
Audubon smashes his performance with the help of auto-tune, of course – and then he reveals to the crowd how many cavities he’s had in his young life span. A word to the wise, when cameras are rolling, don’t open your mouth that wide – it’s NOT a good look, boo-boo. :/
TOUCH THE SKY
“I gotta testify, I’m up in the spot lookin’ extra fly. Fore the day I die, I’mma touch the SKY!” Oh Freddy, Freddy, Freddy… congrats to you my brother! Fred being the little go-getter that he is, decides to apply to F.I.T. (Fashion Institute of Technology for you non-New Yorkies) and gets in! That scene where he shares his delight post acceptance letter with his brother Rico is so touching. This scene really speaks to how even getting into your dream school can be the equivalent of winning the lottery – at least that’s how it felt for me. (no self promotion here at ALL)
You go boy, you follow your dreams and become the next Oscar de la Renta! And, just in case you do make it, my measurements are the following… 😉
As for Audubon, J. Erving (bigwig record exec and tour manager) finally gives Audubon the green light to his future career – and promises him a spot on their current east coast tour. And like Curtis Mayfield once said, “Move on up, toward your destination.”
PS: What happened to “All Thumbs” aka Danny? Did homie finally get the boot in his culito? Is he the new cast member of Lost? And yes, I know the show has been off the air for over two years now (I think?) but it’s still a relevant joke, no?
TODO TIENE SU FINAL
And now we’re back to the drama that is Frankie and Ludwin. Ludwin seeing how all his friends are now pursuing their artistic endeavors, he too decides to broaden his horizons – minus our little hot pepper Frankie. And of course, in true guycode mode, he decides to wait till the last minute to break it to homegirl. Much to her dismay, he tells her that he’s leaving for Boston – and I’m guessing, by the way he phrases it: “I don’t know when I’ll be back” he means indefinitely. He then pulls that God awful speech “it’s not you, it’s me” routine – thank you very much George Constanza – because of you, we now have a lifetime supply of schvitz and giggles.
However, I do give a lot of props to Ms. Frankie for not becoming a blubbering mess (aka Eliza) in front of Ludwin as she walks him to the train station. Sidenote: how many messy breakups have we seen pan out at the train station? And why specifically the train station? Maybe I’m just thinking aloud but honestly, WHY!? I can’t be the only one who’s noticed, right? :/
And so in summation, we see the ending of what looks like the last few minutes to “Garden State” (the movie of course) – wishing Ludwin would drop his bag, turn around and tell our precious Natalie (whoops) I mean Frankie, that he wubs her so – but sadly, it’s a negative. I guess that wouldn’t be keeping it real. He takes his skippy behind on the bus and leaves our little shortcake in tears – que MALO! I say, don’t let the door hit him where the good Lord spit him – see ya! Cut to a short montage of the good ol’ days and clips alluding to everyone pursuing their dreams – leaving us viewers with the urge to belt out Boyz II Men’s “It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye”… to Yesterdaaaaaaaaaay Eeeeeee… and by the way, this is the equivalent of “taking it to church” via techie talk.
And so my people, with this season’s finale cliffhanger, what’s your assessment? Will Audubon sign to Shady Records and blow up, or will he just be the bomb that blew himself up? Will Reina become the next Rihanna, or the next spokes model for “Heinz Ketchup”? Will Rico continue to book more jobs, or will he have a nice career as a nude model? (my money is on the ladder) Will Fred become the next Oscar de la Renta, or will he become the next Oscar de la Esquina? (aka the broke down corner) Will Taylor continue her relationship with uh, do you remember his name? ’cause I sure don’t! Will Eliza become the next Rachel Zoe (minus the anorexia) with a spinoff to match? Will Jimmy become the next Sammy Sosa? (minus the years of therapy it’s going to take Sammy to get over his skin bleaching issues – I kid you not!) Will we see Danny rise from the ashes to play mopey-dopey manager to Audubon yet again?
And finally, will Frankie take these “Washington Heights” experiences on the chin as she writes her memoir and becomes the next Terry McMillan? And will Ludwin become the next Basquiat? Hmm…
Will there be a second season? And hopefully a return of my recaps? No pressure Remezcla, no pressure at all. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see…
“and it ends.. not with a bang but with a whimper.”