Forget FiveThirtyEight, Peruvian Shamans Have Already Predicted the Election Outcome

Read more

Feel free to ignore all the polls and “experts”, because the Peruvian shamans have spoken: this one’s going to Hillz.

At a ritual gathering on the beach in Lima’s Chorrillos district on Monday, shamans performed a ceremony to predict the outcome of the US presidential election. Using ceremonial shipiba maracas, coca leaves, and images of both candidates, they arrived at the conclusion that Hillary Clinton will emerge the victor tonight – though it will be a tight race where every vote counts, so get out to the polls y’all.

“This is a mystical ritual under the moon, which is favorable to Hillary winning tomorrow, and her karma is favored,” shaman Juan Osco told EFE.

Osco also added, “Donald Trump is very arrogant, he thinks that because he is a millionaire he can offend the human race, marginalize women, and hate certain groups. His karma is negative, and we’ve punished him with sand from the sea and salt, and he will not be president.” OOOOO TREATED.

Not sure about everyone else, but after watching the video below, I no longer feel the need to obsessively refresh FiveThirtyEight. Let’s not forget Peruvian shamans correctly predicted Obama’s 2012 win, just saying.