Ricky Martin, Magneto and Luismi: The Trifecta of Returning Has-Beens

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Fess up: Who’s been playing with their aunt’s voodoo dolls? In a bizarre twist of events, we’ve had Mr. Menudo return to the spotlight with his declosetation, the originators of my first lady boner (age 10) regroup to go on tour, and the originator of your aunt’s first lady boner make headlines due to a mysterious hospital visit.

It’s not 1994, yet Ricky Martin, Magneto and Luis Miguel are in the news and messing with my head. Who’s next? Xuxa?

I’ve decided to get my conspiracy theory tin hat and delve deeper into the issue. Yes, some sorcery foul play might be a good possibility, but if there’s anything I’ve learned from my life mentor Walter Mercado, it’s that every action is related to concatenated universal reactions – unless those reactions are meant to happen in Walter’s face, of course.

We could be seeing a case of butterfly effect. Let’s start with the first point in the chronology. Let’s say that Alan and Co. decided to volar y encontrar un mundo viejo by going on tour. A few days later, Ricky was chillin’ in his Miami mansion, immersed in an ashtanga yoga session, when his partner barged in his workout studio and demanded that they go together to the nearest concert. He figured a Magneto show would be so gratuitously gay, it would even top his Grammys “Cup of Life” performance. A few days later, in a Mexican hill, Luismi was seen packing his bags with a smile on his face, getting ready to fly to the States to get a penile augmentation surgery. You do the math.

The other possibility is that the world is just messing with us, trying to halt the advancement of Latin music by bringing back some of the stars that corrupted it the most. I’m removing my tin hat and going with that one – that doesn’t mean that the masochist in me has given up the hope to see Xuxa’s comeback, though.

While I patiently wait for the cumbia remix of “Ilarié,” or the female counterpart of the trifecta (Lucerito, Fandango and Daniela Romo, get your hair done), I’ll leave you with some of the goodies that the opened Pandora Box of Pop Stars Past has brought forth. I’d like to hear cumbia remixes of them, too.