Ryan Lochte: 50% Cuban, 100% Gold

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Confession: once male Olympic swimmers dive into the pool, there is a 90% chance I will change the channel, because if their little swimsuits and broad, broad chests are obscured by splashing water then what’s the point? Luckily, my Michael Phelps Curiosity trumped my urge to tune out of Saturday’s 400-meter men’s individual medley, allowing me to become acquainted with my new boyfriend Ryan Lochte.

I had never heard of Lochte until last weekend, even though he’s an eight-time Olympic medalist. But in the short time he’s been on my radar, I’ve already found several reasons to add him to my People Named Ryan That I Have A Crush On list (Gosling: don’t worry boo, you’re still #1):

1. G is for Gold. There are a lot of ways Team USA has displayed their patriotism throughout the years: they wave American flags, they wear Red, White & Blue outfits, they get “USA” tattoos. Ryan Lochte realized that none of this conveyed what is perhaps the most American characteristic of all: keeping it trill. So he got an American flag grill. And he wore it to his gold medal ceremony. In his mouf. NBD.

2. Gives minimal f-cks. There’s something attractive about a person who excels in a seemingly effortless way, and doesn’t let a little thing like the 2008 Beijing Olympics stop him from eating all Taco Bell everything. Consider what team member Brendan Hansen had to say about Lochte in Men’s Journal“He does whatever he wants.”


3. Twitter account. I have been known to become infatuated with people based solely on their internet presence, which is probably something I need to work on, but it’s the future and we all need to embrace it. Ryan Lochte’s internet presence tells me he is not afraid to get weird and that he flies in the face of established social structures like grammar and making sense. I enjoy that about him. This could also be filed under “Gives minimal f-cks.” Either way, shine on, you crazy diamond.

4. Dog lover. You know that movie Must Love Dogs? If you don’t, try not to know about it, it’s the worst. It also may or may not be the tentative title of my forthcoming autobiography. Anyway, my point here is dogs are the best pets and guys who love dogs are the best guys, and according to Men’s Journal Ryan Lochte has a dog named Dwayne Michael Carter, Jr. AKA Lil Wayne. So basically, Ryan Lochte is perfect.

5. Personal Style. I love a guy who cares about clothes. It’s less important that the clothes be in style (though that doesn’t hurt), and more that I think a man should have a clear and cohesive vision for his “look,” regardless of what that look may be. Which is why my last three boyfriends had distinctive looks I would describe as “Paul Bunyan”, “Gap Mannequin”, and “Fresh Prince” respectively. Based on the photos I’ve seen, it appears that Ryan Lochte is wholeheartedly committed to a Lisa Frank meets Ed Hardy look, and I respect that commitment. Peep the speedos:

6. Shared Values. Ryan Lochte’s mom is so cute and he loves bistec empanizado. My mom is so cute and I love bistec empanizado. Ryan and I have so much in common. We’re definitely soul mates.

In conclusion, marry me Ryan Lochte. You can wear your grill to our wedding, okay? Okay.