With Armageddon three days away, NASA has been hard at work trying to dispel rumors that the world will cease to be on December 21st, 2012, as per predictions* made a few millennia ago by the Mayans. The United States government has even gone so far as to direct this message to the American people on its USA.gov blog:
“Many of these rumors involve the Mayan calendar ending in 2012 (it won’t), a comet causing catastrophic effects (definitely not), a hidden planet sneaking up and colliding with us (no and no), and many others.”
I think we can all agree that when the government makes a big effort to deny something, it’s probably because they have something sinister and ominous to hide. I mean, when the Centers for Disease Control denied the existence of zombies despite the rash of cannibal incidents this year did we believe them?? NO GUEY. When the NYC Parks Department tried to claim that this was a “pig carcass” instead of the Chupacabras did we buy it? NI HABLAR. When Director of Counterterrorism David Estes tried to stop us from finding out that decorated U.S. Senator Nick Brody was, in fact, a terrorist, did it work? I’m actually not going to answer that last one, because if you’re not watching Homeland you have bigger problems than the end of the world and you need to get it together.
The point is, we have three days till the End. Are you prepared? If not, you have two options: 1) Check out this survival kit brought to you by A Band of Bitches, and 2) take a cue from one of these Doomsday preppers, from National Geographic’s highly addictive reality show about people who will go to any length possible to prepare for the apocalypse. A sampling below:
1. Margaret Ling.
Highlight: Carries a giant hiking backpack filled with survival necessities with her everywhere she goes. You know, just in case.
2. Brent
Highlight: Spent last 12 years building a castle to serve as a fortress “during the end times.” Also, purchased 40,000 heirloom seeds so he can grow any kind of food.
3. Derrick
Highlight: Building a camouflaged fortress based on “the old West.” Direct quote: “I have the ability to build big, weird things.”
*We use the term “predictions” loosely, given that many Mayan scholars have debunked the Mayan doomsday myth, explaining that the calendar actually predicts a change in “baktun cycles,” not the end of the world. UNLESS THESE “SCHOLARS” ARE JUST PART OF THE CONSPIRACY.
** At the concern of some readers, we thought we should clarify that we are aware the image used above is in fact Aztec. It is an image that is sold as a stock photo under the title “Mayan Calendar” and was used in the spirit of the rest of the post (poking fun at wild misinterpretations and hysteria surrounding the Mayan predictions here in the U.S.).