What will Castro confess to the Pope?

Read more

For those that didn’t see the big news, Fidel Castro rediscovered Jesus. Presumably in a box of Frosted Flakes.

For the last forty years the Cuban President and First Secretary of the Communist Party of Cuba hasn’t exactly been as repressive on religion as other sociopath murderous dictators. Some would even argue he’s been downright open minded. In 1998, he allowed the celebration of Christams after a thirty five year ban without murdering anyone. In 2003, he attended a Roman Cathoic convent blessing without murdering anyone. Even in 2009, he declared himself a fan of the ethics of Christianity, and he didn’t murder anyone then either!

But there’s a huge difference between tolerance and outright acceptance. Communists may believe that religion is the opiate of the people, but maybe late in life Castro has been watching more Groucho than reading Karl. (Marx. Get it? No? Moving on…)

Now that Castro is back in the boat, the Pope is getting his confessional nice and warm in preparation for his March visit to Cuba, ready to listen to the secrets the decrepit (former) Dictator will spill. Imagine what little nuggets of wonder Castro will whisper in El Papa’s sweet ear.

Crop Circles

Fidel has a penchant for practical jokes. For years after the Revolution he and Che Guevera would run around the English countryside breaking stalks of wheat to form intricate patterns. Fidel and Che would giggle like little girls reading headlines of aliens vising the planet leaving mysterious clues in fields.

Castro points to these moments as the ones that would eventually end their relationship. When Che started slaughtering cows, the joke was over.

Cuban Missile Crisis

Tension. International turmoil. While tons of American kids were learning that their school desks could protect them from a nuclear blast, Fidel was busy sucking on cigars like he was trying to impress Russian First Secretary Nikita Khrushchev.

Little did anyone know that the whole ordeal was due to an error with translation. In the Summer of 1962, Fidel was on the phone with Khrushchev when their Russian translator’s signal faded out. In that precise moment Khrushchev asked Castro if he wanted him to send missiles to the Island. Without the translator Castro was left to infer what Khrushchev was trying to say. The Russian word for missile is “pакета,” and Castro thought that Khrushchev was offering a Russian gift, maybe a package of moose meat or borscht. When Castro found out that the missiles were on their way, it was already too late.

Jar Jar Binks

A little known fact is that George Lucas and Fidel Castro were long time Pen Pals. It started after the release of Star Wars: A New Hope. In his first letter to Lucas, Fidel wrote that he admired the filmmaker’s ability to capture the essence of evil, and stated, “George, I am glad to see a movie that finally shows the strength and power of true rulers.”

Over time that friendship grew, eventually Castro telling Lucas that he thought his movies could use a bit of “diversity.” While he was a fan of Lando Calrissian, he suggested to George that he could use a character that was less Barry White and more Bob Marley.

Needless to say, George’s creation was as much Bob Marley as Gilbert Gottfried would be Moses.

Some of Castro’s other confessions

  • He invented auto-tune.
  • He told JJ Abrams how to end Lost.
  • He was the chef behind the pink McDonald’s Chicken Nuggets paste.
  • He shot JR.
  • He has Edvard Munch’s The Scream.
  • He thinks the Kardashians are great on TV.
  • He’s Justin Beiber’s father.