We Watched ‘Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2’ in 4DX and Got Slimed in the Theater

'Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2.' Courtesy of Marvel Studios

Writer-director James Gunn is back at it again, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 is out, yo! True to his style the movie brings its fair share of goofiness, action sequences, and life lessons. Marvel’s head of physical production, Argentinian Victoria Alonso executive produced the film which dominated the box office on its opening weekend and made a whopping $145 million. Damn, with that kind of money Star-Lord and crew can buy their own galaxy. But, they won’t because they are make believe characters in the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

The Chris Pratt-led flick follows the guardians as they protect the galaxy from a powerful alien race while Peter Quill/Star Lord/Chris Pratt discovers his parentage. Yes, both those things happen parallel to each other. With the help of his crew, especially the bombdiggity Gamora played by Zoe Saldaña, Star Lord saves the galaxy from destruction. Zoe Saldaña’s character is a treat in this film. Instead of another female character needing to be saved, Gamora does the saving. Gamora, a green specimen with superhuman strength bests, with ease, all her opponents in the galaxy. Kudos, Marvel. She also has mad chemistry with Peter.

Last Friday, I went to the theater to watch Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 in 4DX. If you are an octogenarian trapped in a millennial body, you probably don’t know what that is. Well, let this octollennial explain: 4DX is like a theme park ride you can’t get out of for two hours. Its creators describe it as taking moviegoing from watching to experiencing. They do not lie. Your seat will move and if it rains in the film, you will get wet. In the case of Guardians, I got slimed on. Disgusting, but cool. Here’s director James Gunn geeking out about watching the movie in 4DX.

Upon arrival, the first thing I asked was if it was safe to eat popcorn. They said yes. They lied. Honestly, I do not recommend going in with a tub of popcorn. Especially if you’re watching an action-packed film. Let me illustrate with an example: a group of weirdos attack Rocket (played by the dreamy Bradley Cooper), he’s fighting back, it’s cool. I fill my mouth with popcorn at the precise moment one of the weirdos hits Rocket in the back. My motion-activated seat punches me in the back and popcorn flies out of my mouth. Happy that I did not choke, I set the popcorn down and was quickly distracted by bubbles! Tons and tons of bubbles dropping from the the cinema heavens!

Watching a film in 4DX is an emotional roller coaster. For the most part, it feels as if you’re under the mercy of one of those electric massage chairs at the mani-pedi salons. They feel good for a couple of seconds but you quickly realize the pressure is off and can’t change it because the chair is broken and the salon is a hundred years old and the owners have no intention of fixing their massage chairs because people will keep paying for $20 mani-pedis and why offset their overhead-profit ratio? What I’m trying to say is, 4DX is intense.

Zoe Saldaña 'Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2
Zoe Saldaña in ‘Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2.’ Courtesy of Marvel Studios
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The first few minutes were a joy. Baby Groot danced to corny music like the beautiful unintelligible thing that he is and my seat and I danced with him. Then, the first fight started, and so did the neck cramps. About 45 minutes in, my aching body needed a time out, so I took it. When I walked back in 10 minutes later, Zoe Saldaña and Chris Pratt were having a moment and for a second I thought, “Hm…let’s see how these seats hump!” But, alas, this is not that type of film. All I got was hand holding. Bummer.

Also, on a separate note, this film features a funfetti incinerator, gratuitous death, caverns filled with skulls and it got a PG-13 rating? America is fucked, yo. If you expose kids to Sex Ed in PG-13 movies instead of violence and you’d likely see a serious decline in STDs and heck, they might even help us fight that grimy “American Health Care Bill.” I digress. Apologies.

If you have a muscle relaxer and are a serious Marvel fan, go watch the movie in 4DX.

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 is currently in theaters.