Love & Sex Dichos

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Tu dices baile, yo digo dance! Across Latin America and across Latinos in America, the diversity of the Spanish language reflects it’s people(s). There are many euphemisms we Latinos use to refer to la chocadera de pelucas (i.e. having sex).  

Us Remezcleros are loving the the dynamics and the straight-up hilarious words and phrases that we come across, some of which are truly ridiculous but totally validated by culture and lore.

Continuing on with our dichos and slang dictionary, and with Valentine’s Day coming up, this week the theme is sex and love!

For His: Banano, guava, polla, güevo, verga, picha, pinga.

For Hers: Concha, coño, cuca, panocha, papa, papaya, empanada, papo, chocho, almeja, toto, chucha, mico, popola.

If you enjoyed our Etimología Caliente 101 course, how about a tiny culinary class… on ancient aphrodisiacs?

Chocolate with chili peppers. This all-time favorite was originally found in the deep jungles of the Mayan kingdom, where its bitter flavor was mixed not with sugar, but with chili peppers and various grains. It wasn’t until the Spaniards kidnapped this cacao bean, brought it back to Europe that  xocolatl was turned into the chocolate we know and love today. En todas sus formas, it has numerous health benefits (the darker the better), and is a well known aphrodisiac. Eat up!

Turtle eggs and iguana soup. In Central America, these reptilian oddities are noteworthy for their aphrodisiac powers, but totally endangered, and we don’t recommend you really seeking them out unless you’re desperate.

Dried hummingbirds. Once used with various oils and botanical elements for ancient love spells in magical Mexico. Good luck trying to catch one, though — those parajitos are fast.

Anything with a shell and a sandy ocean flavor. Really, anything — piangua, chucheca, chora, ostra, cambute — will do the job.

And of course, could we really have a decent idiosyncrasy lesson without some tradiciones de la porra? Of course not!

Las Reglas de las Abuelas

While many of you may have forgotten these wise bits of wisdom, we think it can’t hurt to at least remember, especially if you’ve got bad luck when it comes to love.

Never sweep a woman’s feet, for she’ll never get married.

Never open an umbrella in the house unless you want to remain single forever.

Ladies, never give a novio/amante/marido shoes, because he will surely walk out on you one day.

Piropos de Amor

Ah, piropos, those poetic, often perverted, cursi lines that men like to throw at women on the streets. Hey, I’ll take a creative compliment over a hiss any day. However, in English, they just don’t quite work. Check ‘em out:

¡Ay, qué bonita piedra para darme un tropezón! — Oh, what a precious stone to trip over!

Con besos de mermelada y abrazos de mantequilla, te mando mi amor envuelto en una tortilla — With marmalade kisses and butter hugs, I’m sending  you my love wrapped up in a tortilla

¿Por qué estás pisando en la tierra si tu lugar es el cielo? — Why are you walking on earth, when you belong in heaven?

¿Tienes la hora? Es que quiero decirle a mi analista en qué momento exacto me he vuelto loco — Do you have the time? It’s just that I want to tell my therapist the exact moment when I went crazy

Desearía ser una lágrima tuya… para nacer en tus ojos, vivir en tus mejillas, y morir en tus labios — How I wish I was one of your tears… to be born in your eyes, live on your cheeks and die on your lips

¡Tantas curvas y yo sin frenos! — So many curves and I’ve got no brakes!

Cómo me gustaría ser tu secador de pelo… para que todos los días me agarres del mango — How I’d love to be your hair dryer… so that you would grab me by the handle every day

¡Niña, estás más apretada que los tornillos de un submarino! — Girl, you’re tighter than the screws on a submarine!

Some Good Ol’ Dichos

Caballo que llene las piernas, gallo que llene las manos y mujer que llene los brazos — A horse that fits between your legs, a rooster that fits in your hands, and a woman that fits in your arms

El que a los veinte no es valiente, a los treinta no es casado y a los cuarenta no es rico, es gallo que clavó el pico. A man who’s not daring by his twenties, married by his thirties, and rich by his fourties is a rooster with his beak stuck shut

La mujer y la sardina, entre más chica mas fina. Women and sardines; the smaller, the finer

El chiste no es ser hermosa, sino saber presumir. The trick is not to be beautiful, but knowing how to fake it

Ni fea que espante, ni hermosa que encante. Not so ugly she’s blinding, nor so beautiful she’s spellbinding

Estiran más tetas que carretas. Bustlines move more men than bus lines

Jala mas un par de nalgas que una yunta de bueyes . A nice ass can haul more than a pair of oxen

Como hay unos, hay otros. Where there’s one, there are sure to be others

Bajo las cenizas, rescoldos quedan. Beneath the ashes, a spark remains

Amor y viento, se va uno y viene un ciento. Love, like a breeze, when one is gone a hundred appear

De enamorado a loco hay muy poco. There’s a fine line between madly in love and plain mad

De los retozos resultan los mocosos. The fun and frolic of foreplay results in snotty kids

El que padece de amor, hasta con las piedras habla. One who is lovesick will even talk to rocks

Amor, no lo parieron de burros. Love is not for fools

And if our abuelitas didn’t warn us enough, we just want to remind all you desperate caballeros out there that not everything is what it seems. Ever heard of La Segua ? She’s that terrifying woman, pero con un cuerpazo, who wanders the dusty country roads looking for a ride at night. She wears a veil so as to conceal what lies beneath. ¡Qué horror! Cuidado chamacos, once you pick her up for a lift (assuming that if she’s got a cuerpazo then she must have a real cara bella) you are doomed to die of fright like all the other pobres who lay eyes upon her grotesque face, which is said to be a horse skull with fiery eyes. Yes, these mythical creatures have surely infiltrated past the city walls and into the concrete streets. Just remember to stay clear of rivers (La Llorona), and if it’s terribly dark in a bar (or a street), and you’re making moves on a girl with a banging body, just remember, there’s always more than meets the eye.

But then, again, if a mujerón with a Sofía Vergara cuerpazo paid attention to any of us, dying of fright would be a small price to pay.