A white guy walks into a Cuban bodega…
It sounds like the beginning of a joke, but for thousands of Southern flocking Gringo northerners – and plenty of non-Cuban Latinos that venture to America’s nethers – that reality happens on a daily basis. But as much as a British-style Gastropub would drive my abuela completely insane, for some out-of-towners the Cuban bodega is a place of horror and missed delectables.
Maybe it’s the fear of mispronouncing something so easy as a cortadito, or ordering something that is made from the chicken the Santera priest sacrificed last night. Either way, tell your gringo friends to have no fear: ordering breakfast from a Cuban bodega is not quite as hard as one may think.
Take a walk up to the counter, or be truly authentic and hit the street side window, grab a paper cone full of water, and get ready to order.
CAFE
Cuban coffee is not only as addictive as crack-cocaine, but scientists have recently discovered that the molecular structure of Cuban coffee is actually remarkably similar to crack-cocaine. ( But there is enough of a difference that entire city neighborhoods won’t turn into ghettos.)
Get familiar with Cuban coffee brands on a first name basis: Cafe Bustelo, Pilon, or La Llave. And to ensure the best quality of cafe, make sure the lady behind the counter manning the espresso machine is at least 73 years old.
COMIDA
Fashionable low-calorie, low-fat diets have made absolutely no dent on the typical Cuban menu. And that’s a good thing! There’s a reason why Cuban woman’s asses are world renowned and it’s not because they don’t do side bends or sit-ups. They pile tons and tons of empty calories right on those child bearing hips producing absolute majesty.
Typically pastelitos are filled with guayaba, aka guava, queso, aka cream cheese, or a combination of the two. But, the truly scintillating part of this treat is the flaky bread. I’m convinced that the day a doughnut gets wrapped in flaky bread it would mark the beginning of the apocalypse.
While a Cuban bodega may appear to have a short menu, many will find themselves agonizing over the many possible combinations. Personal favorites include a toastada, pastelito guayaba y queso, and a super sweet cafe con leche. No matter what you end up ordering, remember to do it with confidence, and never, ever, ever pronounce the h or ask if they can “put the ham on the side.”
____________________________
Wily veteran of the Miami music scene, Ric Delgado has spent nearly 10 years creating local fanzines and weblogs dedicated to the tiny niche of Miami culture that isn’t found on South Beach. Currently a freelance pop-culture and music blogger for Miami New Times, his former projects include REVMiami.com, Unite Magazine, and UnScene Zine. Ric trolls the dark and smokey underworld of Miami music venues having painfully long conversations about Captain N and the Game Masters, steamed dim-sum jellyfish, and how his musical life ended in 2005. Follow him on Twitter @RicDelgadoRocks or visit his blog Crevices of a Fruit Cake.