The Four Loko Tragedy

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Leave it to the powers that be to give the most controversial energy drink (but really it’s an alcoholic beverage) to come out since Juicy Juice a “Latino-esque” name with a hood twist, “Four Loko” with a K and it’s from Chicago (manufactured by Chi-based Phusion Projects).

Imagine a Christmas dinner with all of your exes (evil ones), your sarcastic step father, and the kid who sold you oregano during your first drug purchase. Now put them all in a blender, add some jolly ranchers, a 40 oz king cobra and voila…you have the banned-on-most-college-campuses concoction known as Four Loko that tastes disgustingly delicious. The main ingredients: alcohol, caffeine, taurine, and guarana.

When I first encountered the drink I was caught in the hype and thought it was the most glorious invention and was awestruck at how something so potent could taste like the crap Kool-Aid that my third grade best friend’s baby sitter used to make.

Enter Reality…

After 2-3 experiences with the fluid demon, I felt like I was in an abusive relationship with my non-existent ex-wife. After consuming Four Loko I shattered both romantic and social relationships, only to rebuild them the next day with the use of my charm and cunning. However, I really hate using my charm and cunning to fix things I did when I was Lindsey Lohan wasted. A person should drink to celebrate life not destroy it.

Through the grapevine (facebook statuses) I have seen “4 Loko” advocates rant and rave about how devastating life is due to the recent banning of Four Loko (street named liquid cocaine), and how they must stock up before the end of the liquid sh*house. I, however, am glad I’m witnessing the demise of the drink. Four Loko is planting seeds of destruction at 23.5oz a can.

Good riddance to this crime-generating rubbish! Four Loko seems like the cool “I shouldn’t be doing this but I am partially more bad ass than I was 5 minutues ago,” thing to do. But in reality, it’s making our youth look and act a fool. Four Loko is and deserves to be taken off the market.

Sorry thirsty kids, but it looks like in order to feel the same effects of Four Loko you’re gonna have to do it the old-fashioned way: cocaine and whiskey.