The 9 SkyMall Items We’ll Miss Most

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Editor’s Note: Upon hearing that SkyMall is filing for bankruptcy, we asked Ernesto Morales, the brain behind semi-fictitious design firm Object Solutions, to write an obit for our beloved in-flight entertainment source. Who better than the potential heir in bizarre design to reflect on all SkyMall has given us?

Dear SkyMall,

When life asks us to travel by air, we are granted the greater part of a day to reflect on where our world has gone. With Friday’s dismal news of your bankruptcy filing, I’m going to need a year.

You were my trusted companion, SkyMall. With you in mind, I would take the steadfast journey to the back of the seat in front of me, dismissing swaths of entertainment alternatives along the way.

Where now is the dream of life’s newest solutions only you could provide?

This evening I sit in my incomplete living room, surrounded by product-less vacancies I know you know how to fill. But at least I’ve established this special corner of my bookshelf where your back issues lie waiting. So I kick back my reclining chair exactly 0.75 inches, and I widen my eyes at your historic achievements.

Personal branding iron

I’ve never been the kind to lose my steak at a dinner party, but you give good reason to consider the option. I wish I could also brand my collection of your catalogues, now that grabby hands will be looking for a quick fix.

Artificial rock enclosures for your yard

Now that you mention it, this is the kind of rock I’d like to crawl under right now. Never mind if my guests can see my utility boxes; I can’t let them see me like this.

Wine Glass Holder Necklace

When I’m done with the wine, I hope this doubles as a catch-all for my tears.

Pet Peek

If I could be a dog for one year, I would find out who owns one of these viewer windows, and I’d go live with that family instead. I would request that all my training and disciplining be transmitted via the window, with my new owners standing on the other side.

Portable Infrared Sauna

I’m starting to cheer up, which I think was your intention with this relaxation product. If I take this under the rock with me, I think I can call it a night soon.

Biffy Butler Bidet Sprayer / Digital Accessory Caddy / Toilet Paper Stand

I can’t tell you how many times the instructional video on how to use this product has played on repeat on my digital accessory, which is conveniently mounted on the product itself. That’s what I love about you, SkyMall. You close the loops.

Traveler’s Bed Bug Thwarting Sleeping Cocoon

You’re a genius in a bag, SkyMall. I only wish you had included openings for the legs, so I could wear my cocoon starting at the lobby for check-in. Weather permitting, I’ll wear it to the tourist attraction on the brochure as well.

HoodiePillow Pillowcase

Is it too late to propose a combo product where the Hoodie Pillow meets the Sleeping Cocoon? Unprecedented combinations were always your specialty.

Thanks for Everything Frame

This is intended for dogs who have passed away, but today I dedicate this one to you, SkyMall. Put my face in this frame and underline the message twice: “Thanks for everything. I had a wonderful time.”