Now that there’s a new administration in the White House, it’s going to take everyone working together as one cohesive unit to clean up the big mess He Who Must Not Be Named left behind after four years of hateful language and embarrassing behavior.
While the White House was already fumigated and cleaned from top to bottom before President Joe Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris moved in Wednesday (let’s remember, it was basically a Petri dish for COVID-19), the new staff should make sure they also do a spiritual cleansing of the residence before everyone gets completely settled in.
It’s one thing to have someone remove all the empty Diet Coke cans that were probably tossed under the Resolute Desk, but it’s a whole other process to wipe away all the bad vibes that might still be lingering in the West Wing.
Here’s a look at nine ways to get the positive energy flowing again at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
Create a cleaning playlist
Sure, the entire White House has already been scrubbed down a few dozen times since what’s his name left the property in shame, but there’s no harm in giving it one last run through in case any Big Mac wrappers are still stuck in the couch cushions. Make cleaning more fun by broadcasting music through the entire residence. Bonus points for songs by Selena, Shakira, JLo, Santana, Los Tigres del Norte, Gloria Estefan, Bad Bunny, Ozomatli or any other Latine artists.
Burn rosemary for new beginnings or frankincense for purification. Or, go way back and burn the sacred incense known as copal resin, which the Aztecs and Mayans called the “blood” of trees and a life force that helps heal and remove negative energy.
Invite El Chamán Azteca for a Visit
He’ll likely be in front of a cathedral practicing his everyday rituals, so bring him over to restore harmony in the White House and share his knowledge of the world with the staff. It’s said that some shamans can control depression through the use of the coca plant, which might be needed after four years of misery.
Purchase a Few Bottles of Fabuloso de Lavanda
Don’t forget a good, sturdy mop and a big enough bucket to get through all the wings of the White House. It gets rid of stains, grease and limescale on tubs! What can’t this multipurpose cleaner do? If He Who Must Not Be Named got a hold of some, he might just ingest it to kill any lingering COVID-19.
Put an Upside-Down Broom Behind the Door
This ritual will keep unwanted visitors away, just in case Trump forgot his Legos in the upstairs closet. We’ll ship them to you, Donny. Don’t take another step on the lawn. No fascists allowed.
Place a Big Piece of Quartz in the Rose Garden
Many people believe crystals can heal and purify energies in different environments, so find a large quartz and move it somewhere onto the White House grounds where it will have room to absorb all the impurities left behind by the last administration. The bigger, the better.
Grow Savila Upside Down
While some believe this is the best way to grow aloe vera, others like to let it flourish upside-down because it will bring good luck to the people who live in the home. If you tie a red ribbon around your savila, that should also help ward off evil spirits–just in case Stephen Miller is hiding in the pantry.
Rub an Egg on It
You’re going to need dozens of eggs, but the age-old tradition will cure any mal de ojo that was placed on the White House. The residence was already cursed for four years, so get some extra huevos and a curandero and start rubbin’.
Say, ‘Sana Sana, Colita de Rana’
Let’s hope for no bumps or bruises in the White House, but just in case, we’ll offer some encouragement to the new administration and wish them health and happiness until, at least, 2024.