Somewhere, on the distant, alien planet over which he presides, Walter Mercado aka Shanti Ananda had had enough. His psychic mindwaves had informed him that Earth Internet was rife with articles about Susan Miller; one even went so far as to dub her “The Most Famous Astrologer in the Universe.” Shuddering with anger, his extravagantly bejeweled cape sent billions of light beams into space, which reached Earth in the form of what humans believe to be “starlight.” But then he remembered he had something up his sleeve that would forever reaffirm his dominance (metaphorically, of course. capes don’t have sleeves): a free dating website based on his astrological wizardry.
So yeah, Susan Miller ain’t shit.
At least, this is what I imagine went down, because writing Walter Mercado fanfic was the only way I was able to cope with my emotions upon learning that Latin America’s Spiritual Advisor has launched a new matchmaking site called “Passion Latinos.”
Obviously, I signed up immediately. Here’s everything you need to know about the biggest thing to happen to love since Cristian Castro’s “Amor”:
1
Walter Mercado will personally welcome you to the site, omg.
2
Before you get to browse for shawties, Walter will give you a chance to lube up with his new line of aromatic zodiac soaps and body lotions.
Because Walter cares, and he wants you “to achieve the perfect balance and harmony necessary to enjoy all the benefits.” What are the benefits, tho? Oh, you know, just a little thing called TRUE LOVE.
3
Finding the actual dating part of this website is a labyrinthine task, just like finding dates IRL. Because Walter wants you to earn it
4
You can search for potential soulmates by astrological sign, age range, and city. Dassit, nothing else.
Also, if you’re like me, you may have gotten confused and entered your own sign into the search bar, assuming that Walter would match you with compatible astrological signs. But no. Because not knowing the sign you’re looking for to begin with is amateur hour.
5
90% of each person’s dating profile is their horoscope.
Spoiler alert: since you can only search people by horoscope, every person in your search results will have the exact same one.
6
Each dating profile also comes with “Related Product” recommendations.
For example, user “1fourrings61” is recommended to me alongside a $14.99 bottle of “Prosperity Lotion.” The connection between them is unclear, but probably because I am not privy to the mysteries of the Cosmos like Guru Walter.
7
You can only buy Prosperity lotion — or any of Walter’s products for that matter — using a species of virtual Walter Currency.
Which reminds me, let’s put Walter Mercado on a five dollar bill already.
8
The matches are really on-point. For instance, Walter recommends someone for me whose username is “DaddyFatSack.”
9
There are levels to this
And Walter has just confirmed to me that my level is #basic