Spoiler Alert: You won’t get this if you haven’t watched season three of Orange is the New Black. Go watch it. Now! What are you waiting for? I want my jokes to land.
I don’t care what anybody says, season three of OITNB is perfect. Every relationship developing in the deviant clusters of Litchfield ring true. Big Boo’s maternal instincts for Pennsatucky will break your heart. The writing is so sharp that Jason Bateman’s tongue is mad it is attached to a male body. Storywise, we found out tons of stuff this season! Things liks Crazy Eyes will most likely be a New York Times best seller, Aleida will always suck at being a mother and Alex is probably dead. Big things, yes, yet none of them compare to the tragic reason that got Flaca into Litchfield: the placebo effect. (More on that later.)
I cannot look away when Jackie Cruz’s emo inmate comes on-screen. It’s a nuanced character, for real. She sounds like a Mexican valley girl but with ambition at her core. She has a pure heart and is unafraid to do whatever it takes — even swallow her Latin pride — to help her family out. Cue heart emojis, we’re crushing hard. Here are 6 reasons why falling in love with her was unavoidable this season.
It was her entrepreneurial brain and bad luck that got her into Litchfield.
This season we learned that Flaquita (what I call her in my mind) is imprisoned in Litchfield because she was selling fake acid, as in paper with cherries printed on them. While high on paper, one of the dudes she sold to threw himself off a building. I’m not condoning criminal activity. Criminal fraud and intent to sell and distribute are very real things. However, I can’t help but admire her brain. It’s so much more ambitious than just selling bad weed. Plus, she really put effort into picking the designs.
Her take on underwear models.
While flipping through the pages of a Whispers catalog (a thinly veiled parody of Victoria’s Secret), Flaca imagines what the model’s life is like and says, “She eats pills and ice cream and cries at night and she cuts herself but on her scalp so no one can see… I could be her in a second.” So true, Flaca. We know we are chasing an impossible ideal, yet we’ve all dreamt about looking like a whispering angel — only for a couple of minutes, on account of hunger and stuff.
She’s not afraid to say thank you.
Her response to Piper’s panty pitch, “You’re making my ass so happy right now. Those saggy prison panties have been depressing my cheeks. Like, I think they’ve been drooping from sadness.” We get it. Flaca, we get it.
She’s making Sheryl Sandberg proud.
After learning about Piper’s mad revenue, Flaca leaned in and asked for what she and the discharge brigade deserved: better pay. This girl has aspirations. It got her fired and she had to beg for her job back, but who cares, she spoke up. Unionize!
Michelle Phan would not have a career if Flaca hadn’t gone into Litchfield.
Flaca knows about fashion and make up. She was matching the colors of her bangs with her lipstick! She wore kick-ass flatforms and more importantly she didn’t just shop for clothes, she went searching for emotional clothing. As an investment.
Like, aren’t we all?
Her way with words.
On erasing cultural divides: “Latinas are half Jewish. The Hora and the Conga line, basically the same thing.” So right.
On positive self-reflection: “Maybe I got all Cs in high school because my personality is too complex for mainstream academics.”
On people: “People want to be good but they just fuck up.” Who needs Aristotle? I don’t. Flaca school of life, for life.
Keep swimming against the the current, Flaquita. Until 2016.