By now you’ve most definitely heard about Cristiano Ronaldo’s four-goal performance en route to an 8-0 drubbing vs. Malmö in the Champions League. He broke an unruly number of records – becoming the first player to score 11 goals in the group stage, scoring the second fastest repoker in tournament history in 20 minutes, etc etc – and even managed to score from a set piece for the first time in forever. Making magic look mundane, more or less (against a subpar squad to be sure).
Today, we’re focused on the crack’s off-pitch endeavors, where he’s renowned for doing exactly the opposite: making the mundane look magical.
Exhibit A: this advertisement for Monster headphones. Our dude was simply told to keep his damn shirt on, brush his teeth, pop some bread in his toaster, and jump up and down the stairs to the beat of Jingle Bells. Okay?
This isn’t Cristiano’s first foray into random, funny, or even mind-bogglingly absurd endorsements, so we thought hey – why not base all of our holiday needs on Ronaldo-endorsed goods. After all, he’s used his mug to sell such a wide swathe of random stuff that surely there’s gotta be something out there for everyone on your lists. Have a look for yourselves for a bit of inspiration:
Facial Fitness PAO… aka the Shake Weight for your face.
Gift card to Kentucky Fried Chicken to fuel your xtreme skillz.
Nike Mercurial Vapor CR7 Savage Beauty.
It’s all in that name! Plus, who wouldn’t want cleats inspired by the legend’s volcanic island birthplace?
A year’s worth of Castrol Edge Motor Oil
You know, to release the power in your motor vehicles (and also maybe help Cristiano practice his long balls? Idk).
A huge ass watch from TAG Heuer.
Herbalife nutritional supplements
AKA the pyramid scheme that targets Latinos and minorities…
A flight with Emirates Airlines.
This exact 2013 Toyota. Just this one.
CLEAR Anti-Dandruff Shampoo
Because what is life if not one giant pinball machine perpetually pelting you with dandruff-filled soccer balls?
You could go for some Armani underwear or jeans (Cristiano stamp of approval!), or you could take things to the next level and buy from the man himself.
The Sixpad Body Revolution
You thought we were done with that Shake Weight for your face, but oh no – the Sixpad Body Revolution will provide you with an equally exciting workout by using electrical signals to stimulate and exercise your muscles without moving an inch. For the more adventurous member of the fam?
This free app. Cristiano endorsed!
Running low on $$ this year? Just not feeling like spending big? No worries – tell your loved one to download this free app. Cristiano endorsed! A promising duo of Cristiano Ronaldo and, wait for it, Hugo the Troll take on Paparazzi Pete in a thrilling skate off that you won’t want to miss! ?