The Women’s World Cup Final Will Be a Showdown, But FIFA’s Still a Let-down

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The Women’s World Cup Final will be an amazing rematch of its last iteration: USA v. Japan. In 2011 it went to penalties. Kids, tighten your seatbelts; this should be a ripper.

However, as the Women’s World Cup advances towards the final, FIFA continues to show its mega sexism. Clearly, when it comes to women, FIFA has not and does not respect the beautiful game. And don’t roll your eyes, pendejos; this isn’t a feminist rant. These are facts. Well, fuck it! Maybe it is a feminist rant. Why not, when Sepp Blatter, the self-proclaimed “godfather” of women’s soccer stated in 2004 that in order to increase popularity, the women should lay it aaaallllll out on the field: “Let the women play in more feminine clothes, like they do in volleyball… they could, for example, have tighter shorts. Female players are pretty, if you excuse me for saying so, and they already have some different rules to men, such as playing with a lighter ball. That decision was taken to create a more female aesthetic, so why not do it in fashion?” Well, Seppito, because this isn’t porn; it’s sports. Regardless, no one is too upset he won’t be making it to the WWC Final this Sunday.

Now that we can all agree Sepp Blatter’s a walking boner (as in a moron and a weak, Cialis-induced erection), let’s explore why FIFA as an entity has extended (no pun intended) this sexism to the tournament:


FIFA Won't Let You Call It The World Cup – That's Only For Dudes

I know the bros will be up in arms on this one. “It ISN’T the World Cup! The World Cup is only for the men’s teams!” Put your Muscle Milk down and chill for a second. A World Cup is a World Cup, and classifying it by gender only sends sexist undertones. In this fashion, Swedish television station TV4 suggested we drop the “Women’s” in the title and refer to the tournament as “The World Cup.” Oh boy, did the FIFA penises get mad! They threatened to take legal action against TV4 for breach of contract if they did not refer to the tourney as the WWC. Whether it’s for branding or abating confusion, is it really that awful to simply call it “The World Cup”? I know some of the male players have long hair, but do we really think the world will be confused as to why the men grew breasts and are playing in slightly different jerseys? We’ll just know that the men’s tournament happens on an even year while the women’s happens on an odd year.


FIFA Doesn't Seed the Tourney Properly

FIFA doesn’t think the women’s teams can sell enough tickets. So, they don’t seed the tournament the same as the men’s. Instead, they match highly-ranked teams in certain cities and time zones to encourage viewership. They’re basically rigging the brackets! When Sports Illustrated’s Grant Wahl asked a FIFA spokesperson, they responded with this beaut: “Similar to previous draws for FIFA Women’s World Cups like Germany in 2011, teams are seeded… and allocated into specific groups for ticketing and promotion reasons” Wait, it gets better. “Filling the stadia is a FIFA and host association key objective. The allocation of teams to venues, the ticketing and promotion plan and the ticket price strategy are among the key factors for the overall success of the event.” But hey! Maybe if the women just wear tighter kits they’d get higher ratings, right Sepp?


Rival Teams are Sharing Hotels

Imagine Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo sharing the hotel pool before a big match against one another. Inconceivable (except in my dreams)! However, FIFA is not posting up money to separate the women’s national teams in different hotels like they do for the men’s tournament. In fact, all 24 teams in the tourney have had to share hotels with their opponents, running into each other in elevators, lobbies and shared spaces. Despite the sexism, the women are taking it in stride. As kick-ass, 2-time-olympic-gold-medalist, literal soccer mom, Amy Rodriguez of the USWNT put it, “We are very friendly… we see them, we say hi. We don’t really mingle with them per se.” That’s class. I can’t imagine taking out a rival on the field, and then having to ask her to pass the cereal before the free continental breakfast ends.


If You're Not a Dude, FIFA Won't Know You

FIFA doesn’t even know who the top female players are. There are too many examples of this from which I could pull, but I’ll leave you with the most obvious. Abby Wambach, all-time highest scorer in the world (Sorry, Mia Hamm. Sorry, Ali Daei), is married to former professional footy player, Sarah Huffman. Last year at an event, Sepp confused Huffman for Marta, the most famous women’s soccer player in the world!

Pffft I know some people claim to not see color, but damn, Sepp! Get your eyes checked.


They Make Women Play on Astro-Turf

FIFA done messed up. Because of the decision to play the WWC on turf, 60 female players filed a gender discrimination suit against them. Not only does playing on turf increase risk of concussions, and knee injuries like ACL tears, it gets hot as hell! USWNT badass, Sydney Leroux, showed us how legs end up after tackling and playing on turf as opposed to natural grass. Oof! “No chance would the men ever play a World Cup on turf,” she told CBS, “I think the women are being treated as guinea pigs.” Agreed!

Although FIFA sucks, the Women’s World Cup Final will not disappoint. The Women’s World Cup Final will air on Sunday, July 5 @ 7PM ET. Check your cable listings; I’m not Siri.