Remezcla Valentine

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I’ve always been a Valentine’s Day skeptic. I’ve been dumped. I’ve been rejected. I’ve been stood up with flowers en mano. And usually, I just end up treating it like any other day. Pero this year, mis Remezcla mistresses gave me the opportunity to let loose and share my Valentine’s Day wish list with you. So here they are: 14 people from the Latin music realm who I’d like (well, looove) to take out this February 14th. From Spanish pop drag queen divas to Mexican crooners and Brazilian hipsters, there’s a little something (or someone) for everyone, from the depravado to the fresa. Enjoy, and when done, don’t be shy and share your list with the Remezcla readers.

La Prohibida – I want La Prohibida to adopt me, take me under her wing, give me a little room in Madrid and let me try on all of her wigs. But first, who wouldn’t want to prance around los nuyores with a living Jem doll. La Prohibida would surely dress up to the nines in some neon colored animal print leggings, hot pink lipstick and a towering blond coif. Surely we’d be the couple to watch on V-day (y no es Vagina day!).
Paquita la del Barrio – Paquita ha sufrido y yo también. So, I’d start our night with lots of red wine and a steak dinner, some crying because we would be reminiscing about all of the ratas inmundas of ex lovers, and then probably end the night by doing shots and having her slap me in the face. It doesn’t get any more romantic than that.
La Tigresa del OrienteLa Tigresa del Oriente me intimida, pero me excita. She’s got killer looks, killer hair, killer moves and even killer fake tigresa nails. She would be the ideal date to take to a sex party or somewhere dangerous, ‘cause you know she would protect you …and choreograph a dance to go with it. The woman’s tamed anacondas for Christ’s sake!
Juan Gabriel – A date with JuanGa would be a very tacky, shiny, expensive affair, with lots of glamour. JuanGa would probably pick me up in a white limousine, take me to Bergdorf’s to buy me a white mink coat and some diamonds, then he would take me somewhere awfully tacky like Cipriani’s for a shrimp cocktail and dry martinis. Who wouldn’t want to prance around con esta Reina Mexicana en San Valentín???
Miguel BoséBosé has always made me feel funny inside. I remember back in the day when he had all those album covers where he was either in drag or PREGNANT (!!)…that there was something odd and hot about him, and us. I don’t know, Bosé es un papi, aunque esté poniendose viejo and thanks to all the photoshop in the world, he looks hotter by the minute (i.e. the Papito cover). And yes, I do have daddy issues, which probably won’t be resolved. Ideal date with mi tocayo? Dinner, crooning and lots of schmoozing …and smooching.
Amylu Menses – Amylu is hot. Period. The other half of Nacotheque, Amylu Menses keeps us all guessing by changing her hair style on a weekly basis and having one over the top outfit followed by the next, and I do know about dressing up! Anyway, Amyluuuu, as I call her, would probably know the best places to take you around the LES that won’t be famous for a really long time, so it’ll be your little secret. Plus, she loooves to party, so get ready for a wild, crazy and fun fun night on the town.
Noelia – I’ve got two words for you: Home. Video. Noelia’s the Latina Britney Spears minus all the pop hits. But with sex scandals, family traumas and mental disorders under her sleeve, aren’t these the things that Brit Brit is most famous for nowadays? With her, I would probably fulfill my New Year’s resolution to have sex with a chick porque ella es candela, una llamará.
Iris Chacón – Uffff…what can I say about Iris Chacón. I’d go with her wherever, ‘cause she’s the queen. Iris would have to show up in one of her vedette outfits and take me dancing until my shoes fall apart. I’ve already got the “Chacón Dancer” ‘stache to match, y me tendría que cantar “Caramelo Chocolate”. Yo sé que soy el papito de su vida, yo lo se…
Charytin – I swear, Charytin made the same pact with the Devil as Madonna and Mick Jagger–bitch looks amazing for 50! This talk show host, used to be “singer and actress” is getting hotter by the minute that even once dubbed her “Hot Slut” of the day and even week. First, we’d go for a lil’ mani/pedi/botox spa session and then somewhere fabulous to show our “refreshed” faces. Pero, tiene que traer a Shalim, pa’ ligarmelo…
Alejandro Fernández – When Claire told me a while back that she was meeting Alejandro Fernández, I was over and beyond jealous. I want Alejandro to take meback to his ranch in a private jet to frolic around naked through his (expansive) property. I’m humble, I don’t ask for too much.
Ricky Martin – Sí, sí ya sé…esto es Remezcla, no un foro de Univisión. But you know what, yo me meé, me meo y me seguire meando por Ricky Martin. I don’t care what y’all think of him, pero no puedo bregar, me pongo malo y le quiero brincar encima. For our date, I just wanna wha wha in the… pero claro, somewhere discreet para que no nos vean los paparazzis. Oh, and he can’t shave for a week prior to our date. Bitch has got a hairy chest que no saca hace tiempo.
Martiniano Lopez-Crozet – Martiniano is a mystery to me. The singer from Los Super Elegantes is a jet-setter como yo, so we’d have to go somewhere exotic like Croatia for our Valentine’s Day date. He’s got great style, speaks English, Spanish and French (como yo!), así que me caso con él y me caso ya. Guapo…
Gil Cerezo – Hmm..why would I want to go out with Gil? Bueno, he’s dreamy and he’s in a band called Kinky. What more do I need to know? Obviously, behind that babyface there’s gotta be a naughty, naughty boy (eso es lo que me dijo Claire…). Plus, I hear he is super nice and would surely make for an awesome, fun, not to mention kinky date.
Lovefoxx – Con el nombre lo dice todo. As the lead singer of CSS, Lovefoxx sure knows how to wow a crowd with her crazy antics and crazy outfits. Being from Brazil, you know she’s got quite the moves, and Brazilians are just born hot, punto. Plus, with song titles like “Art Bitch”, “Meeting Paris Hilton” (“do you like the rich bitch???”) and “Fuckoff is not the Only Thing You Have to Show”, you know you’re in for a wild and crazy night on the town.

Updated from the 2008 original article.