Alexis Sánchez Leads Arsenal to Victory Over Man Utd, Proves He Is Not a Real Person

Read more

Yesterday, I tweeted something along the lines of “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE HUMAN ALEXIS SÁNCHEZ.” A follower was quick to respond with a blunt and honest “He’s not!” because let’s face it, there’s just no way the dude is human.

This interaction took place immediately following Alexis’ second goal 20 minutes into Arsenal’s 3-0 drubbing of Manchester United. After throttling past United defenders and making them look like timid and terrified puppies (maybe they love the selfies he takes with his pups just as much as we do?), the hero sent a cracking ball towards the upper 90 and into the back of the net. He became the first player in league history to score a brace in the opening 20 of a match against the Red Devils with the strike. Wow.

Arsenal fans rejoice, because the Chilean super-megastar is back in absolutely sublime fashion, as Alexis as Alexis gets. ❗️❗️❗️

He completed three take-ons, had two shots on target, two goals, two chances created, and two tackles won vs. United. Not only this, he now has six goals in his last three appearances (a goal per half) – equalling the total from his previous 22 – and shows no sign of stopping, assuming his groin isn’t too big of an issue.

While the Gunner in me wishes that international breaks would cease to exist entirely, you know that Alexis puts his heart and soul into every game he plays, and he especially loves playing for La Roja. “Alexis has a little problem,” Arsene Wenger told press after the match, but “we cannot stop him from going to Chile; he loves to play for his country.”

When it comes down to it, peak Alexis means anything is possible. I’m talking league title, FA Cup, an unprecedented first-ever Champions League crown (maybe next year for this last one). Hell, he even plays the piano beautifully. Alexis is quite simply from another planet. It’s the only way to explain it.