Messi may not have taken home the glory for los pibes on Sunday, but according to an announcement from EA today, he’ll grace the global cover of FIFA 15 for the fourth consecutive time. News like this is basically all we have to live for now that the World Cup has ended. Which got us thinking — EA is all about making each consecutive FIFA game more realistic than the one before, to the point where watching the World Cup matches in HD this year often took me to this eerie Uncanny Valley place where I felt like I was actually playing the video game.
But if EA really wants to go above and beyond with that realistic touch, here are 9 features they should add to FIFA 15:
1. Turbo Goalkeeping
2. Intentional Red Card Fouls
Sometimes you just get pissed and want to put a knee in someone’s back or take a bite out of their shoulder and tell the Ref to go suck it. But while the FIFA game has options for aggressive approaches or slides, there’s no option to intentionally do something you know will get you a red card. If EA wants to upgrade, it should let us pull a Zidane and head butt a dude in a fit of rage.
3. Water/Cooling Breaks
Hitting pause on the game when I need to pee is not real enough. I need the players to be taking a cooling break while I’m taking a whizzing break.
4. Goal Celebration Choreography
None of the current goal celebration options incorporate salsa or Colombian flyness. This needs to be addressed.
5. Reactions When Someone Scores Against You
Right now, you can celebrate if you score, but if someone scores against you you can’t do anything. It’d be cool if you could cry, or pick a fight, or, you know, insult the opposing team in their own language.
6. A Rihanna Song
I think Rihanna had more fun than anyone else at the World Cup. Even more fun than the Germans. She needs to be on the FIFA 15 soundtrack for sure.
7. Pretty Girl / Weirdly Dressed Fan Cam
The World Cup audience cam always manages to find the most attractive women in the crowd and zero in on them (when they’re not zeroing in on the most fervent/eccentric looking fans). Like this woman. For maximum accuracy they should put women like her in the video game’s crowd and then those women can get video game modeling contracts out of it and then video game bro blogs can write about those video game modeling contracts.
Player movements should incorporate the ability to contort yourself like Robben. p.s. NO FUE PENAL.
9. Detailed Coach Reactions aka PIOJO WILIN’
While coaches appear on the sidelines coaching from the back or blurry from the front, there hasn’t been a lot of detail put into their characterization. As el Piojo has taught us, not including detailed coach reactions is a huge mistake. EA’s FIFA coaches need to have super saiyan abilities.