Relegation-Ready Chelsea Wants Gonzalo Higuaín and Chicharito

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As if recent Chelsea news couldn’t get more fantastic, far-fetched, or generally fabulous for fans of any and every other team in the world, sources are now reporting that José Mourinho is interested in signing Gonzalo Higuaín and Javier “Chicharito” Hernández as a part of his master plan to save the relegation-ready Blues.

LOLOLOL. The thing is, how often do we hear absurd and truly outlandish transfer rumors involving this (particularly evil) London side? Apparently, they’re in talks to bring club legend Didier Drogba back into the mix, to join the fight for Cristiano Ronaldo (I’m not even going to comment on this), and their bona fide transfer guru Michael Emenalo might lose his job in the process.

Let’s start with El Pipita. The current Napoli man – at the ripe age of 27 – is supposed to be the answer to Chelsea’s problems? He’s supposed to do what Diego Costa, Radamel Falcao, and Loïc Rémy have yet to do this season: score an outrageous number of goals to save the 16th-ranked Blues? (They’ve scored 16 goals in 12 fixtures, with the three attackers listed above netting a mere three goals total). I highly, highly doubt it. Mourinho is really reaching with this one.

Then we’ve got Chicharito, who’s “exceeding all expectations” at Bayer Leverkusen at the moment. Our dude is absolutely crushing it. He has 12 goals in 19 games for club and country this season, so naturally his No. 1 desire must be heading to Chelsea, where he’ll most likely end up third or fourth in the pecking order, despite his promise, right? Wrong. So very wrong. Why would Chicharo leave Bayer right now?

At a certain point, all we can really do is bask and revel in the glory of this Chelsea chaos (and – sorry Blues lovers – hope that it lasts as long as humanly possible). It’s going to be a long road ahead if these are the proposed solutions to the club’s goal-scoring woes, fam. A long and glorious road. Hey, if you’ve yet to sign up to attend the Chelsea Relegation Party scheduled for May 15, don’t miss out.