In pretty-much-everyone-saw-it-coming-news, Sepp Blatter announced that after almost two decades of being FIFA president, he will not run for election again. Blatter held a press conference on Monday to explain that his decision to quit was not because of the sport. “I kicked the ball out of the field to stop something…..but I am still the elected president,” he said, according to Sports Illustrated. “On Feb. 26, FIFA will have a new president. I cannot be the new president because I’m an old president.” Blatter is under investigation after being accused of taking bribes in exchange for votes for tournaments and broadcast rights.
Blatter’s thunder was totally stolen by a comedian who decided to make it rain fake money. Simon Brodkin, who took on Kanye West in June at Glastonbury by trying to rap alongside him, pretended to be bidding for North Korea for the 2026 World Cup. Obvs, he was kicked out and delayed the press conference after the money had to be cleaned up, but he didn’t leave without getting one last good burn in. “Cheers, Sepp — it’s all there,” he said, according to the Telegraph.