Johnny Depp Says He Was Attacked By a Chupacabra

Read more

During a press conference in Tokyo today, Johnny Depp told a room full of journalists that he was absent from a Tuesday promo conference for his new movie, Mortdecai, due to chupacabra attack.

“I was attacked yesterday morning by a very rarely seen or experienced animal called ‘chupacabra.’ I fought with it for hours. They’re very persistent, very mean. And I’m pretty sure it came into my suitcase. I threw him off the 23rd floor. So we’ll never see him again. Thank you for understanding,” he said.

We’ve been tracking El Chupacabra(s) – literally “goat sucker” for the Spanish-ly challenged – for some time now, and can say with near certainty that Depp’s account is 100% true. For one thing, he’s been known to consort with goats:

For another, judging from the early Mortdecai reviews (and the box office numbers of basically all of his recent films), Depp is living under a deep and powerful curse. We’re not sure who sent a chupacabra to attack him, but it might be the person who wrote this article.

Don’t let this happen to you. Brush up on our “Everything You Need to Know About El Chupacabra” article, because The More You Know, etc.